Unforgiven
by queerqueens
Summary: Simon thinks about what happened in the hotel and comes to an important conclusion. (Fixed)
Simon didn't want to be here. He did not want to be here at all.

He looked around the small bedroom in the vacant apartment he had broken into.

It once more reminded him of what had happened. Raphael had banished him.  
The thought was stuck in his head, he was trapped inside these walls.

He regretted it at, the pain he caused, the betrayal.

He was slowly drowning in the mess he had made.  
Camille was free, even free of her charges.  
He had betrayed his clan, his new family.  
He should have listened to Raphael, worked with him, but Jocelyn's live had been at stake, the lives of so many.

Oh, but how he had failed. Valentine still had the cup and now he also had Jace.

He couldn't let go, his faults haunting him and he knew that they would haunt his soul forever. Throughout all of his immortal life.

He couldn't go back. Not to the hotel and not to his family.

"How could this happen, how could I let it happen?", he whispered scared of what he had become as he buried his head between his arms.

He wasn't able to keep on living like this, unforgiven. He needed his clan.

He didn't want to hurt them, he didn't want to hurt Raphael, especially not Raphael.

He just did what he thought was the right thing.

"Why can't I just pick up the pieces of my stupid life, start it over?" he mumbled, his mind not yet ready to give up, clinging to happy thoughts, to hope.

He was desperate to live, to love, but even more so, he was desperate to be loved.  
He still had so much to give, so much he wanted to be. So many things he wanted to do, now that he was okay with being a vampire.

When he got to the hotel, he slowly found a part of himself again, even in all the chaos.

They gave him a new home. He found new friends, but he made a mistake, he lost them, lost everything in this strange life which made him feel comfortable with himself again.

He was alone and it was his own fault.  
He was alone.  
He couldn't stay at the institute.

He was a downworlder, an outsider and now even a outcast to his own kind. To the people who had taken him in, who had trusted him despite all the doubt.

Oh, how he wanted to forget. Just drink until he couldn't feel anymore.

Until he would pass out. He wished he could turn back time.

He wanted to scream but nobody could hear him. Nobody would ever hear him anymore.

Clary and the others were busy fighting Valentine.

Luke was just glad to have the love of his life back and well, he was a werewolf.

He was alone, nobody cared. He tried to scream this time but no sound escaped his lips, not even a whisper. There was silence. He'd need to become used to that. He wouldn't hear anything anymore. Maybe it was for the better. He couldn't bear to think of the way Raphael had spoken to him after everything was clear to him, wished he hadn't heard it.

His heart was broken. It laid on the floor, shattered, broken and it was his own fault.

His desire to be the hero, to help his friend, to make them proud.

He didn't stop to think, thought that it was the right thing, that it needed to be done.

By now he was painfully aware that freeing Camille was a terrible idea.

Of course she would not help them for free.  
Of course his actions would be counted as betrayal.  
He should have known how this had to end. That he would be alone.

He was terrified.

Maybe he would he turn in a monster like Camille or Valentine after enough years in solitude.  
Actually, he already was one, by betraying his clan, his family.

Why couldn't he have lived a normal life without all of this, without demons and downworlders, without selfish shadowhunters and vampires who made him feel more than he had ever felt, more than he wanted to feel in his pathetic life.  
That world wasn't his home anymore. He didn't fit in, couldn't just forget about all this, of all the things he could have been a part of.

He didn't have a home, his soul ripped to pieces just like his life.

He wished that he could go back to being oblivious, to not knowing about this life, about this family he had lost before he even knew it properly.

Simon chuckled dryly. He didn't want to be here anymore, where was the point if you had nothing?If there was nobody left to care for, everyone disappointed or too busy with everything but him?

He didn't care for anything but his family and he knew that he couldn't live on with them despising him, couldn't live on with Raphael despising him.  
He would need to talk to him.

Simon would do anything to make Raphael forgive him. Even if it meant that he had to die. 


End file.
